The list of notions about love relationships. Clarifications and insights, inspired by Lorenzo Jensen III. The list are not points to bail on, but to fix. Journaling is one solution to process the issues. However, staying in a dysfunctional relationship is a high price to pay over personal fulfillment and happiness.
In review, there was another epiphany that this list of writing topics, can also be adapted for song writer’s too. Do you hear the music?
- Don’t stay with someone who antagonizes you or belittles you.
The critical partner that is always trying to fix you, is not healthy. Relationships should be based on an unconditional perspective of the other person. “I am in this for life, a person that continually points to what you are not, is not a healthy environment, and at some level you with, they will subvert you and the relationship, or vice versa”. It is also a breeding ground for physical illness, literally people are dying to get out. - If you feel lonely, you’re better off being alone.
In a word, if you feel cut off from the world, your friends and isolated the emotion tied to this is often “Loneliness”. If you find yourself withdrawing from your partner, and the things that make you who you are, its time for a reassessment. - Know when to walk away.
Knowing when to quit is a power within itself. When you are asking “how much can I endure”, the questions may be “why?”. - You can gauge a person’s love for you by how they treat you when they are upset with you.
Measuring: Disagreements are always going to come up, common factors are money, expected behavior around interactions with others, and with family. If you recognize the cycle of the interaction around each time “I see this coming”, its an opportunity to do it differently and clean it up, or weight in the scale of why I am in the relationship. - Love is a verb, not a noun.
Love is a process, not a destination. Early in the pairing process in getting to know someone, its about how they make you feel. This is made up of a combination of endorphins, and subjective elements that bring you together. Its acceptance, not blind faith, but objective things when you ask yourself “am I winning”. - When a lightbulb goes out, you fix the lightbulb. You don’t get a new house.
In conditional relationships there are “don’t go there” elements, that you find growing in some internal fear. When they exist, they often are not really examined to the truth of those matters, but a continual tip-toe topic not to irate or bring up “old stuff”. - Don’t settle for someone who has zero regard for your feelings or wants just because you’ve been together a long time.
“Feelings” are a subjective issue, having your feelings hurt takes its toll, generally in a disregard for someone’s boundaries. Letting someone disregard you, your elements that are you and that you hold important often is in a realm of disrespect for you, and not valuing you, your opinions nor valuing your core personality. Clean it up, or make the cut. - Just because you love each other does not mean that you’re good together long-term.
Subjective emotion of caring. In politics you can only hope to get most of what you want, not everything. In relationships its like a scale of what I want and don’t want, that grains of sand are placed on one side or the other, over time weight becomes the issue. “Am I winning” is the question. - No relationship is perfect and there will be conflict. What matters is the desire to solve the problem.
As a sailboat navigates to a destination there are continual course corrections, that lead to the destination. In relationships, some what the same, however the difference is the destination is at the beginning and the course is time. Handling issues do not always have to be confrontational but channels of communication need be expressed to the course correction before you find yourself somewhere that you did not intend or can tolerate. - Always fight the problem, not the other person. If you keep this in mind when arguing, you’ll be able to actually resolve the issue than be mad at each other.
This is centered in “Conditional Behavior”, whether it be raising a child, dog obedience or a love relationship it is important to be able to identify that it is a specific issue that is the challenge, not the person. As in other notions here, if the light bulb needs replacing, do not sell the house. - Don’t look for a guy/girl you want to treat like a prince/princess, look for a someone you want to treat like a partner.
Whether in business, friendship or a primary love relationship there are points you find the “treasure” in, something that you want, are drawn to, or how you feel. The Prince/Princess mode is terrific, but over time change and therein lays the partnership. Choose wisely. - Don’t disparage your SO behind their back.
Often, we have issues we want to share with others as a matter of venting anger, dissatisfaction, or a problem with their behavior and how you perceive them. In seeking advice, be sure to differentiate disparagement where you are looking to be right, vs going to seek solution and advice. - Confidence is not “I know she likes me”, confidence is “I’ll be okay whether she likes me or not.”.
When we are young and hormones are pumping and we have the switch between understanding the need of someone’s approval or affection, there is that element of trying to hold on to something, the notion of being okay as a result. At some point, we need the perspective of “I am okay, they are okay”, I do not need their approval and/or affection to feel good about myself. - There are a number of people you can be compatible with. No one is perfect. You must work at love.
As we evolve in the growing up and growing in love, we touch many lives. We let some people in, and others out, and condition the willingness to be open. These boundaries defined or not put you with people of “Potential” for a relationship. The notion that there is only one is a false narrative, as you are always in choice. - You’re not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
This metaphor is for people that feel that they have to please others to get what you want. Recognizing the overreach is the best solution. Relax, hold to your self-truths and show up authentic, never invalidate yourself to others. - Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food coming at a restaurant.
Oh boy, oh boy, here it comes. The element of anticipation is the “juice” that endures you to someone. The excitement, the anticipation, the gravitation are all clues to being in love. - The grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.
When you find that “If only I had, or if that would have been the better choice” you are already gone to a place that weakens what you have. This is the element that affairs are bred in and subvert what you have built. Recognizing this reaction, look for a recommitment to why you are in the relationship, before jumping ship. - Stop trying to find the right person and start trying to BE the right person.
“Am I being like the person I am looking for?”. Change is not out there, but within. Until you are okay with you, within your skin, you will not find what you seek. - The person who cares least in the relationship has the most control.
A simple test is “who controls the sex”, there is the answer. When one person wants the approval, and connection with another and is willing to give up something for that, puts the other person in control. - Don’t fall in love with your waitress, hooker, or therapist.
Best advice so far on the list. Are you being served, are you buying what you want, or is it you have found someone the “Understands”? Each of these are emotional ego filling roles, and not what relationships are made of. - It’s better to be happy than to be right.
A tombstone somewhere has the following scribed message “I told you I was sick”. Being right (righteous) is a too often element, that you can give up so much of your life in. Other elements are the “Should’s”, and you can “Should” all over someone else. Allowing another point of view, and someone else to be “right”, and resolve resistance. Pick your battles. - Always be the first to genuinely apologize after a fight.
“I am sorry, I was wrong” is sometimes difficult, particularly when “having” to be right. Not always thought of as personal integrity, but it is. - You cannot expect someone to love you when you can’t love yourself.
It’s true, you can continually look for someone to “Fix” you, when you have conditional love for yourself. - Just because you liked the friend-version of someone doesn’t mean you’ll like the relationship-version of them.
Over the years you will find you have many acquaintances, some become lifelong friends, others lovers, and others you become in relationship with. I do not know who said it first, but when you meet someone it is “For a Reason, a Season, or Lifetime”, but it too often rings true as you progress on your journey. - Before you move in with your partner, go on a road trip with them.
Someone told me long ago, find someone you can do a road trip with. The confines of compatibility are when you are in close encounter for an extended period. The trip is very telling. - Don’t be afraid to open up and be vulnerable. Vulnerability can bring you closer together and strengthen the two of you.
The Beatles had a song “If I give my heart to you”, its about vulnerability and trusting that that vulnerability is returned as being authentic and respected. The reaction is what tells the truth of the encounter. - When you and your SO are arguing, remember—it’s you and them VS the problem. Not you VS them.
The “Blame Game” is a not win argument, its about personal accountability, and sharing perspectives to the problem. Taking the perspective of moving to solution is the goal. Does not have to be an either/or. - Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
A book by Gary Chapman, has many insights called “The 5 Love Languages” worth the read. Perhaps your partner is caring for you in their way and showing love to you as they know it. Too often the conditional love relationship sets rules that are not allowing for the other’s commitment to you. Many examples, but certainly something to consider as a writing topic. - Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential.
A friend’s wife said she married him because “He had potential”, and with a little work would be perfect. She was working on that “little work” the entire relationship, until he left here for always trying to change him. People have elements that are just them, a point to remember, and write to. - It takes two happy individuals to make a happy relationship.
It is not about sharing the misery. Happy people are more productive, healthier and live with a bit of zest and panache. Look for someone to be happy with. - If the world didn’t give each other second chances, we would all be single.
Or, third, fourth or fifth, should be the completed sentence. Working through issues is an investment in the other person. It creates a deeper understanding, as well as building emotional intimacy. - Everyone is searching for the perfect person, but no one is trying to be the perfect person.
Variations on a theme. And the theme is ever searching, rather than being as you want them to be. - If you love the memories more than the relationship, it’s time to move on.
Back when we met or remember the bond and love we had when. Too often one or the other or both have moved on, rather than rekindling and recreating the environment we sought and that brought those moments. - Just because a person is right or perfect for you, you may not be the right one for them.
Water always seeks its own level. Are you against the tide, or which side of the dam are you on. - If it’s broken, fix it. If you’ve lost count of how many times it’s broken, or the cost of repair far outweighs the initial outlay, throw it away and move on.
The old adage “If you always do, what you have always done, you will always get what you always got” comes to mind. There is “Fixing” it with a band aid and then there is the cure. After a while the repairs begin a routine of more aggravation than resolution. - Out of all the things needed for a successful relationship, love barely makes the top 5. Honesty, loyalty, trust, and communication all have to be there.
The priorities within relationships will always change, however the core unconditional love need be strong, but not necessarily number one. - Always hold hands when talking about the hard stuff. It helps to keep the negative emotions in check & shows you care.
Physical contact is a must in any intimacy, whether it be a disagreement, or working through a process. Sometimes, not wanting any physical contact is a red-flag to your/their emotional status, certainly an indicator to status. If the relationship is what you want, hold hands. - Be the man or woman you would want your future or current child dating.
A wise person once said to me, are you being someone you would like your child/grand child to me. Would you like them, approve/disapprove? - Love is about appreciation, not possession.
If you look at your love relationship as a possession, you are setting yourself and them up for disappointment. - Don’t go to bed angry. Everything will be there and worse in the morning.
This advice was given to me by my aunt that was married for well over sixty years. It was a relationship between her husband and her that flourished. I never forgot this bit of advice. - Always seduce your lover, even if you are in a committed relationship. Otherwise, another person will.
Seduction is something we inherently seek, to seduce or be seduced. It is part of the “Juice” we find in ultimate intimacy. Take turns, encourage your partner, it’s the path to a stronger relationship. - If she/he threatens to leave, help her/him pack their bags.
There are many schools of thought around leaving, as in dealing with someone that is contemplating suicide (social and/or physical), its best to confront the reality. In sales there is a philosophy of a strong close, its called the “take away”. Be cognizant of the choices. In doing so, it will move you by that moment in time. - Keep no secrets, tell no lies.
“Discretion is nine points of valor”, personal honesty and truth is always the best policy in all relationships. With your significant other (SO), it is paramount. Indiscretions, whether cheating or dishonesty is can only make things worse. - Sometimes you gotta wise up and let go. Yes, it hurts. But it’ll hurt more in the future.
The phrase of being together is letting go, is true. Hard concept at times, but holding onto a false premise is a formula for self-abuse, or being allowed to be abused. - Relationships aren’t hard. If it is hard, you are probably with the wrong person.
You are a divine person within the universe, you deserve all the goodness the world has to offer. If you are having to fight for every point of refuge, you are doing it wrong. - Love is not a feeling. Feelings fade, change, respond to situations and events. Love is a choice.
I constantly choose Love over everything. Finding something I like or point of understanding the other person has been a hard lesson at times. If you indeed love someone, or are in love with there is that deep pool you have to draw from, whether you are conscious of it or not. - If it feels wrong at the beginning, it probably won’t get better.
We used to use the phrase “Bull Shit meter”, if its not comfortable in your gut, note the feeling, do not discredit it. Trust yourself, don’t compromise your core values. - If you’re keeping score you already lost.
Never keep score, when you find yourself or them recounting something in the past, apparently it was not resolved and resentments lead to no good end. - Love is an action, not a feeling. It’s learned and developed skill, not an experience. Not that the romantic feeling doesn’t exist or isn’t a wonderful part of the relationship, but it doesn’t make it last.
In this decipher the difference, its from what you have learned or been conditioned to from the moment of your birth. - The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I had to laugh when I first read this, but there may be some truth in this thought. Remember “Praise in Public and Criticize in Private. Once out there, its “out there”, good, bad or indifference.
Editor’s Note: This list is intended to create thoughts to explore as writing exercises. The notions are endless. There is no actual right or wrong way to approach life, some work, some do not. Its set up as a system for trial and error. We learn from our mistakes, as well as our victories. Creating a healthy life and relationship is a process, enjoy the journey.
